whewfffshaaaaahhh……………

I am not certain that is a word, but it should be.  I think it is a verb, the action it describes is that thing that happens to a big fluffy pillow when you lay your head down on it.  There is an immediate output of air from the pillow and then the outflows slows down and your head sinks to just the right level and…. ahhhh.

That is exactly how I felt this afternoon when Dave got home after 3 weeks away:  whewfffshaaaahhh…..  I gave him a kiss and promptly laid down on the couch and took a 3 hour nap while he played with the kids.  whewfffshaaaahhhh. 

I haven’t posted in quite a while, kept meaning to, there has been so much to talk about, so much that has been going on around here.  Perhaps that is why, SO MUCH has been going on around here.  I have always been a fairly busy person, there have been times in my life where I have been too busy, taken on too many things, said yes too many times.  But, in the last few years, I have been able to break that cycle, I have gotten alot more intentional about what I commit myself to, and have stopped trying to do it all.  I found that I am a much better mother, wife, daughter, friend, co-worker when I set those limits. 

So how did the last 6 weeks get so crazy that the only thing I could say “no” to was my blog? 

I am not sure.  But boy howdy, has it been crazy.  It has been really fun too, terribly fun, the best kind of fun, late nights and busy days spent with people I love, days spent out in the sun, etc etc.  But now, the reset button has been hit and things are going back to regular speed instead of hyper-speed. 

the kids and I came back from our trip, a grand 3 weeks it was, and they only had 5 weeks of school left.  Those last weeks are filled with field trips and projects and parties and meetings.  Kjell was gone more than he was home, having a 6th grade camping trip that took the majority of one week, then a youth group retreat the next week, followed by yet another overnight trip later that week with school.  Broder had numerous field trips to concerts and plays and nature walks, even little Sunny got in on the act.  Then it was city wide clean up day, then Sunny’s Daisy troop had their night at the zoo.  And that took us to May 21.

In and amongst the fun both boys and the mama(that would be me) ended up with strep throat, lucky me, I got it 2x.  I lost a couple days in there somewhere.  I messed up my left knee as well, went to the Dr and he said ‘you’re getting old, kind of fat, and there is the beginning of arthritis.  Lose some weight, and buy large bottles of ibuprophen” 

I had joined weight watchers a couple weeks before the Dr appointment but I did stock up on the drugs at his suggestion, and the WW is working, slowly.  I have lost about 15 lbs, and have a long long way to go, but eventually…

On Memorial Day, Cathy, Jim and Kajsa Stanley-Erickson flew into town and we spent the next 10 days eating and laughing and staying up way too late wishing we all lived closer to each other.  It was so wonderful to have that time with them and to get to know Kajsa.  What a delightful little kid, and boys does she ever have great parents!   We got a camping trip in and everything. 

Starting with Memorial Day and for the next 17 days, we had company non-stop.  On 2 different occasions the bed and floor space at the Lawrence Hostel was completely full and an annex was erected in the back yard (other people call it a tent, but I think annex sounds so much better).  Over that time period we  had 15 people from all over staying/visiting at our place.  We made endless batches of eggs for breakfast, thanks in large part to some of our guests who brought us several dozen farm fresh eggs, yum yum.! We put the backyard fire pit to good use introducing many of our friends and visitors to the joys of camp pies and smores with reese’s peanut butter cup centers. 

 the Stanley-Ericksons, the Bruces(who didn’t stay at our house but counted as visitors anyway since we hadn’t seen them in ages and they did spend the day with us), good friends from Kenai who based out of our place for a week while they helped to rebuild a deck for a woman who couldn’t do that on her own, Roy and Dorothy, my aunt and uncle who had a few days with us before departing on a cruise to celebrate their 50 years of wedded bliss, and Emma and Barret, the darling couple we met while camping in Seward who spent  a night in our backyard and gifted us with several pounds of chocolate on their departure(these are good people!).  It was great fun, and truly exhausting. 

Dave was with us for most of the Stanley-Erickson visit, then it was back to work for him.  He came home for 26 hours a couple of weeks ago, just enough time to go to dinner with Roy and Dorothy, have lunch with the Bruces the next day and hop on a plane to Texas where he spent the next 2 weeks in a series of training classes. 

Last Monday I got a surprise call from Carol Lawrence, my beloved mother in law, and the kids and I spent the next 2 afternoons getting in a little Grandma time.  That was an unexpected bonus to our week! 

the weather has been great, we have been biking to church a bit, and spending as much time outside as possible.  The house is a disaster, but that is ok, it will rain soon enough and the floors can get done then. 

Over the next few weeks, we don’t have visitors scheduled, but we have stuff going on.  Just before Dave left for Texas we bought a boat and this weekend we will be putting it in the water for the first time.  Pretty exciting stuff.  I am hoping to get comfortable trailering the thing so we can use it even when Dave is gone.  We are going to head out of town to a couple of lakes north of here and camp and practice practice practice, driving the boat, putting it in the water, getting it out of the water, back in the water, etc etc.  We hope to find a good camp spot on the far side of some lake and settle in for a day or 2. 

Over the 4th of July, the kids and I will be joining friends for a trip to Chicken, Alaska.  Never been to Chicken, but I hear it is a great place to visit, and supposedly there is a large German tourist component there, so perhaps the kids will get to practice their language skills a bit. 

July 15th we head to Haines, Alaska, Dave will be with us on this trip.  We are going to visit Dave’s folks and spend some time playing on the beach, and relaxing with the Alaska side of the family. Haines is a lovely town and it will be very fun to be there. 

Then it is back home, for the last month of summer.  the kids start school again in late August, too soon if things keep going at this pace!  there is lots of fishing to do in that month.  And then starts hunting season.  Dave is hoping to take the boys on a float trip and “catch a moose” as Sunny would say.  I am thinking that I will make a trip to one of Alaska’s hot springs while the guys are gone, anyone want to join me?

What a change from last summer, the packing and moving and medical that defined our lives for those months last year. 

I am so thankful for the flexibility that my little job offers, being able to take off and do all these things.  I am thankful too, for Dave’s schedule, even though he is away much of the time, when he is home, he is not bound to the office. 

 And I am so thankful for God’s provision, the bounty He has provided us, so far beyond what we could have ever hoped for, in the form of good jobs that allow us to give and play, and better yet, our fabulous loving friends and family!

Whewfffshaaaahhh….. yep, that’s it, life is good.

Ahhhhh….

the last week here at the Lawrence house has been positively blissful.  Things have been relaxed and, I tell you, that is exactly what we needed this year.  After 6 months of tension:  leaving the Midwest and my family, cancer, surgery, recovery, insurance hassles, settling into a new neighborhood, new school, new church.  It has all felt frantic. 

the first few weeks in Alaska, we were so busy with all the medical stuff and school.  Then, as Dave began to feel better, we began to go again, catching up with friends long neglected in our moves.  A beloved aunt and uncle came to visit, Dave’s folks were in town. A long awaited trek to Homer.  A trip to Kenny Lake to reconnect with very special friends.  Each week that Dave was home something was going on. 

The weeks he was gone were filled with school and fencing and volunteering and Daisy Scouts.  Our Dave-less weekends were often spent in the Valley playing with the Riopelles or the Becks. 

So, when Christmas break rolled around,  although I missed/miss my family terribly, I was ready for the slow down.  And without extended family, it really was slow around here. 

We have never had a week like this.  Dave has been home since the day before Christmas, and has only been on the phone 2 times for work.  I think he only checked his email once.  The kids have been off of school, and since I don’t work… It has been wonderful.

Christmas eve was quiet, we went to church and enjoyed a lovely service complete with candles and volunteer choir.  Singing “Silent Night” with each persons face illuminated by the glow of the candles… knowing my family had done the same in Minnesota. 

At home that evening, we opened presents.  Not too many, that really isn’t our thing.  Neither Dave nor I grew up in households that went all out over Christmas presents and we have not made that a part of our family celebrations either.  Broder got some Troll legos, Kjell got an mp3 player, Sunny some doll clothes.  All the kids got pipecleaners and games and a puzzle to share. 

The most exciting present by far was the book box.  Dave and I had gone to a used book store in town and bought a bunch of books, some for each member of the family including our selves.  There were mysteries, car repair manuals, fantasy, history, knitting, learn to read , books of all kinds.  We had wrapped each book in newspaper(and didn’t label them as to whom they belonged) and put all the books in a large box.  When it came time to open the box, the kids pulled out any book, unwrapped it, and tried to figure out who it belonged to.  this was great fun and something I think we will do in years to come. 

Christmas morning brought the usual stockings stuffers, toothpaste, band-aids, toothbrushes and a little bit of candy. 

In the afternoon, our friend Tom came over for dinner.  It was great to send some time with him and catch up on all that has gone on in his life over the last 6 years.  It was an afternoon of good conversation, snuggled in our little house watching the snow pile up outside. 

In the days since Christmas, we have played a lot of games, put together a puzzle, taken the dog for long walks, baked some bread and lefse, drank good coffee and little wine,  and generally just hung out as a family.  We didn’t even start the car for 3 days! 

The holidays are so often a time of busy running and that is so much fun, and I missed that a little this year, there were times when I would get a little teary knowing that all my siblings and my parents were together, without us.  But, I think this last week was just what we needed.

Volunteer choir…

 

At each church I have been a part of over my life there has always been one thing, that for me, made that particular church special in a way all it’s own. 

At St.Pauls, where I grew up, the thing that stands out above all else, is the tradition of the candles on Christmas eve.  For many years we carried these beautiful colored glass votive holders with little tealights in them. To watch them shimmer and glow was something I looked forward to each and every year.  the little candles inside the little bits of glass, sitting on the table at the front of the church, seemed to me a hundred little jewels sparkling.   And to listen to and sing along to the beloved Christmas songs, and hear that familiar Christmas story, while watching those lights dance, I could always feel the presence of God right there.  I really loved those candles and those gemstone votive holders, and I love them still. 

At MatSu Covenant, our church home when we lived in Wasilla, there was the lively worship, led by John Koutsky and his banjo.  There was no way someone could stay down or grumpy when a banjo is played. It was lively and fun and I could imagine God dancing along with the music, having fun alongside us.  I came to depend on hearing that banjo on Sunday morning, and I have missed it since we moved.  It was such a joy to hear him again after we moved back.  And wonderful to worship again in that joyful and fun setting.

At Plymouth Covenant, where we attended some when we lived in Minnesota this last time (we were lucky enough to have 2 churches at one time).  There was always a table full of bread, donated by a local bakery, for those in need.  I loved the fact that, among all the affluence, someone remembered that there were those who had less than enough.  I watched each time we visited that church, as families would head to that table, relief and joy on their faces.  This table reminded me of 2 things, God’s provision, and my responsibility to help others. 

At Arbor Covenant, in Madison, the church of my heart, each Sunday we ended the service with a benediction song.  Not an unusual practice, but the manner in which it was done was truly special.  The congregation was divided by an aisle down the center.  At the end of each service, we would turn and face each other and sing, “The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious, gracious, gracious to you.  The Lord lift his countenance upon you and give you, give you, give you peace.”  This simple act, of turning and looking across the aisle and calling forth God’s blessing and peace  never failed to move me.  Most Sundays I would tear up and barely make it through without weeping.  While I write this, tears run.  I love this tradition so very much, I wish every church would adopt it.  It is hard to ignore Christ in your neighbor when you are singing into their eyes. 

And now, here at First Covenant in Anchorage, I have found something that makes my heart swell with joy and love for this church.  It is the volunteer choir.  This has happened a few times now, unscheduled and unprompted.  Someone is giving the announcements, or fielding prayer requests and they will say. “After I am done here , I would like to invite anyone up to the front for Volunteer Choir, and we can all sing …(some well known hymn or song of praise, this week it was Joy to the World)”   And that is exactly what happens, people go forward and sing.  They haven’t practiced, there may or may not be the singing of parts, they aren’t lined up in neat rows, sometimes their outfits clash wildly with the person they are standing next to, and, for the sheer joy that only singing with others in worship can bring, they SING!!  I don’t go forward and sing, maybe someday I will, but for now I am content to sit back and watch and listen and worship.

Crying cancer…

one of the features of my blog account is that I can see what search terms people have used to arrive on this site.  The other day someone had searched for “crying cancer” and ended up here. 

So I started thinking about that. 

Crying Cancer.  Like crying wolf.

I feel a bit like that is what happened with Dave. 

July 17th, Dave gets a PHONE CALL, and the Dr says “you have cancer, this is very serious and you need to get this taken care of RIGHT AWAY”.   Most of you know the story, Dave was in Alaska, I was in Wisconsin, all our worldly possessions were loaded on a truck and on the road somewhere between the 2 places. 

I reacted violently and immediately, called my mom, crying, cancer.  Called my pastors, crying, cancer.  Called my friends, crying, cancer. 

I am sure that much of this reaction was driven by my personality, as well as the fear the word cancer brings.  I am a talker (surprised by that little confession aren’t you?), and I draw energy from having my friends and family around me, so it seemed like the natural thing to do.  Call, cry, talk, to everyone I know. 

It was a tense couple of weeks until Dave had his appointment in Alaska, and then the news was a bit better, but still cancer. 

After Dave’s surgery, the news got even better, there were clean margins around the tumor, and no further treatment would be needed, no chemo, no radiation, no surgery. 

And I felt stupid. Still do.  Did I completely over-react?  Probably. Turns out it was nothing but a massive pre-cancerous-on the edge of becoming a life threatening malignancy-tumor. 

 But that is the thing.  It was a tumor ON THE EDGE of being really really bad. 

 It wasn’t really really bad, just really bad.  So Dave had been in doubling over pain at least daily for 4-5 months.  So blood loss was a daily occurrence.  So Dave was totally exhausted and losing weight at the rate of 8-9 lbs a month, it was still just on the edge of being really really bad. 

And now he is feeling great, running and lifting weights again, eating whatever he wants, sleeping less than 9 hours a night.  He has energy and a sense of humor again(I am SO thankful!)

And I can’t shake this feeling that I was ridiculous to get upset in the first place. 

I hope that we never get another phone call like that one we got back in July, and if we do, I hope and pray that I can keep it together a bit better. 

Right now, I will take this as another chance to thank all of you who were so supportive and loving when I called,

Crying Cancer.

Dave update! and insurance gripes.

Here it is, the post you have all been waiting for.  Or at least may be interested in.

Dave had yet another appointment with the surgeon on Monday.  And again, the news was better than we could have hoped. 

Clean margins around the tumor and now normal scar tissue means that the critical stuff is all done.  There will be no need for even radiation.  Amazing. 

So what’s next?  Near constant follow up.  But hey, that is great.  Dave will be in for various scopes and visits a couple more times before the end of the year and then will have to have colonoscopies every 6-12 months for a while and depending on the outcome of those, perhaps moving to 18 month intervals at some point. 

Now about the insurance, stop reading here if you are short on time.

Now if we could just get the insurance company to agree all this was needed.  It looks like we will be fighting with them every step of the way.  I guess that is why we get to pay $300+ monthly premiums for complete coverage, so they can reject nearly everything and make us fill out endless appeal forms and spend hours and hours on the phone trying to convince the company that it really was a good idea to remove a cancerous tumor. 

Right now we are looking at $5000+ that the insurance company is saying they will not pay.  This in addition to the $5000 that is our “out of network” deductible that we are asked to pay since there are NO preferred providers for colo-rectal surgery in the entire state of Alaska.  The nearest in network group is in Seattle.   Hmmm, can’t imagine that the cost of plane tickets and hotel rooms would have been less. 

To be fair, I need to say that the insurance has paid about 60% of the after deductible costs, but really, this is a chunk of change.  So much for the dream of a savings account. 

I am hoping that with enough appeals and a little pressure from the surgeons group and with the help of the insurance-liaison that Schlumberger employs, that the insurance company will relent and agree that it really was a worthwhile thing to remove this tumor.  The irony is, if we would have caught this later, or waited the 6-8 weeks for this tumor to continue it’s growth and change and  if Dave would have needed radiation and chemo, there would have been no question regarding payment, even though it would have 10’s of thousands of $$ more than the cost of the surgery and followup. 

I am thankful we have insurance, I am fully aware of what a luxury this is, and I am thankful that we will be able to pay, not right now, but eventually we will certainly have that bill cleared, and I am so thankful that Dave has a job that pays enough to make all that possible. 

It is a reminder, however, of the millions of people for whom this would truly be a tragedy.  For whom the thought of $10000 would not be just depressing, but paralyzing.  I am SO thankful that Dave did not go through this when I was the one working and he was in school.  For a number of reasons, but primarily because $10000 would have been more than 1/3 of our yearly take home income.  There are alot of hardworking people for whom this is the reality.  That sucks. 

 Obviously the system is broken, I don’t know how to best fix it, but I would like to see more dialogue on this.  Because it is not just the professionals with company insurance who get sick, but also those people working a trade for a small business that can’t provide the same coverage we enjoy.  The self employed get sick too, and it is increasingly hard to find coverage for those 2,3, 4 person operations that make up so much of America’s workforce.  

I have several friends/family who have had to make the choice between insurance and essentials.  In most of these cases there have been economic thresholds that they (thankfully) slid under and at least the kids can get coverage through a state or federal program.  But, this still leaves (in at no fewer than 4 cases I know of) the mama without comprehensive coverage.  All the families I am thinking of have catastophic coverage for the mama, after a huge deductible($5000, which is a HUGE percentage of their income). Which means mama doesn’t go to the doctor for the preventative stuff, or regular screenings, the visits that could catch an illness BEFORE it is catastophy.   These are hardworking families, taking every bit of overtime offered, working 2 jobs, watching the grocery costs pretty carefully etc. 

I guess in the meantime, I will keep praying for their health.  And thanking God for my own.

A picture of the patient…

long overdue, I know, he is already back at work and everything…  We met with the surgeon last Monday and he stopped just short of calling the outcome a miracle.  Repeatedly we were told that he had not expected to have the surgery go as well as it did, that when he first saw Dave, he really didn’t think he would have good news to share, how he never would have thought they could get that “massive” tumor out with as little trauma as they did, etc etc etc.  Several times over the last few weeks we have heard that it is WONDERFUL that Dave was symptomatic, as had this grown/changed/whatevered any further we would be talking about how much time he had left, and how to make that the best it could be. 

Instead,  here we are, talking about a follow up visit in a month, Dave has been cleared to go back to work, to start running again. 

So, the surgeon might not say miracle, but I am going to, because that is what this is, our own private miracle.  Walking, working, running proof that prayer works and God listens.  And wow, are we ever thankful. 

16 years of wedded bliss…

hard to believe.  I think I must have been about 12 when I got married, because I certainly don’t feel like I am nearly old enough to have been married this long. 

No big party here this year, but you can bet we are celebrating.  Marriage, health, it all seems a little sweeter this time around.  

I am so thankful for our marriage, it is a good one.  Lots of work, but good nonetheless.  God has truly watched over us all these years, and we are certainly blessed.

It has been a week now…

and Dave is up and moving, kind of slowly, but he is moving.  He has gone into the office the last couple of days and that has been good.  He likes having something to do. 

The pathology reports have come back, and it seems that all the bad stuff has been removed and there are “clean margins”.  This is wonderful news, again.  God is good.  We meet with the surgeon a week from Monday to find out more specifics.  In the meantime, we are enjoying this little bit of extra family time.  It is a slower pace than we are used to, and that is just fine. 

The first few days after surgery were pretty rough.  Dave was in ALOT of pain.  He really didn’t move from the couch, except to get to the bathroom, and as you can imagine, that was pretty traumatic.  So, then it was a couple of pain pills and back to the couch for a few more hours before getting up to repeat the process over again. 

Dave doesn’t have to return to full duty at work until Sept 9th, and that is great.  We will find all sorts of things to fill our time.  He still can’t lift anything over 5 pounds, and can’t exercise for several weeks, but he can tell me what needs to be done and he is a relentless taskmaster, so you can bet that the house will be in perfect order before he gets back to work. 

It would be a good time for you to come and visit!

GREAT NEWS!!!!

So, Dave had surgery on Thursday.  And it went really really really well.  During the pre-op chat we were told that this could be long one, and if it was going to run longer than 3 hours he would get word to me so I wasn’t concerned.  The risks were significant:   perforated rectum, bleeding, even removal of the rectum if it looked worse than originally thought. 

So I was surprised to see him saunter out the waiting area just short of 2 hours later.  Surgery had only taken about 1.5 hours and went  “better than I dared to hope” (Dr’s words).   He believes that the entire tumor was removed.  This was not expected.  It has changed the outlook dramatically, we are now in a situation where further surgery is a possibility, and NOT a probability.  This is wonderful wonderful wonderful news. 

The tumor was “massive”, but now it is gone.   Sent off for more testing.  We will get the pathology reports next week. 

Dave is still out of it.  He is home now and resting.  Worn out, physically and emotionally.  It is hard to see him like this, flat out and pale, kind of gray-ish skin tone. 

He gets to take it easy for the next couple of weeks and when he comes out of the pain med induced stupor, that is going to drive him nuts.  Don’t stop praying for him just yet.

And speaking of prayer: 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL

for all the emails and phone calls and cards. 

and the prayers.  God heard those, and answered, in a big way.  And we are so thankful. 

We are all tired, the first week of school wore out the boys, Sunny has worn out Auntie Megan, life has worn out me. 

I want to write about all the little things that have happened over the last 48 hours.  But I can’t right now.   Kids want to watch a movie, and they have had a very distracted mama as of late.  It’s time to sit and cuddle with them.

Big day tomorrow…

Tomorrow (Wednesday), is a big day here at the Lawrence house.  The boys start  school and Dave meets with the surgeons tomorrow afternoon to find out what to expect on Thursday.  We are all a little tense and on edge. 

The kids are stressed out about school, it is a new school, and they will be doing an intensive language program, and they have to wear uniforms, and the nutritional guidelines dictate that they can’t take cookies or candy in their lunch.  I really have no idea how they are going to survive that particular rule.  Cookies are a staple around here. 

Dave is stressed about surgery, and life after.  Or lack of life, as the conversation keeps turning to wills and who will help me with the kids etc. Who would take the kids if both of us die.  Not really cheery topics. 

We will drop the kids off early and then it will be off to hit the gym.  Then Dave and I will meet with the surgeons and Megan will take Sunny out for some Auntie fun.  Then Megan will pick up the boys and bring them back to the house. 

Tomorrow night we will hang out here, waiting for Thursday morning.  And praying.